"Let me love you, human!"
"Let me love you, human!"
Eliot Chang: Consolation Prize
I hate it when a girl tries to offer me a lame consolation prize. 'Cause girls will say things like, 'Oh, we're not going to have sex, but I'll give you a hand job.' I have hands. They have the job. The position is filled. I don't need to outsource the work, alright? If you got a vagina job for me, we can talk 'cause I am always hiring.
Dwayne Perkins: What It's Like for a Guy Friend
Ladies, when you have a guy friend, and he's a great guy, and you still won't date him -- do you know what that's like for the guy? It's like going on a job interview and having the guy say this to you: 'Well, Mr. Perkins, wow! This a great resume. You have the experience we've been looking for. We love your attitude. You're perfect for this job, and we're not gonna hire you. No, no, we'll probably hire someone who's far less qualified and has a drinking problem. But this is a great resume. In fact, this is the resume we're gonna use to judge all the other candidates. Now, we're not gonna hire you -- ever -- but is it OK if we do call you every now and then to complain about the guy we do hire?'
Dwayne Perkins: The Guy Friend
Ladies, you know how you have that guy friend, that guy friend that you like a lot, a whole lot, but not 'that way'? You have the friend, yeah? It's wrong. Because if the guy hangs out with you, you know he likes you. I mean, why else would he put up with your talking?
Doug Williams: Wife's Affection
Before we got married, she was like a good health plan -- I had full coverage, you know what I'm saying? Once we got married, she turned into a HMO, selective coverage. I'm like, 'Hey, you keep this up, I'm going to have to go outside the network.'
Doug Williams: Living Next to White People
Puerto Rican women love to argue, and they can argue really loud. We live in an apartment building, and when you live next to white people, you have to keep your arguments very low because they will call the police.
Diane Nichols: Sexy Advice From Cosmo Magazine
Cosmo was my Bible. This is the advice they gave: they said women should put on wet underwear under their clothes because this will make your dress cling like skin. I tried that. I walked into a party with wetness seeping from my clothes. You think my date thought I was sexy? He said, 'Oh my God. You sweat like a horse.'
Devil in the Church
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."